Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My what?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
how much for the angry fruit?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…