Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now