[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Brands during Pride
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”