Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears