So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.