I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.