If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.