math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
So, can we agree on 4 or
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
You learn something every day
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Fight