I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.