twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you