y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!