That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what