The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me, flirting😏
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
don’t we all
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.