Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The options really are this bad
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.