You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.