Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.