I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Breaking news:
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.