Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.