I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.