I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.