If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
You Might Also Like
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Knock Knock
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.