ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
i dont have time for this