Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar