My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Best seat on the street 😍
they split up moments later
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.