I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*