My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes