I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Yes, this is exactly right
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.