My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.