Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Forever 21… pounds overweight
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt