If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…