[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.