I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I forgot how to panic. Help
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness