This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
This might be the funniest tweet ever
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?