*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
yeah not falling for this one
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.