Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“i am a sweet baby”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”