I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If only.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.