won’t smith
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[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
The biggest mystery of our time
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
nobody’s gonna understand
That took me a moment.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped