*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
You Might Also Like
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes