Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.