‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
the three branches of government
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Worst perfume name ever.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed