me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.