“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Has science gone too far?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Well well well…
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Breaking news:
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people