It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
do u think theres a butter planet?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I bet birds love this building.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER