There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer