Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
You Might Also Like
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Meow
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.