Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine