I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
❤️🦆
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”