How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
don’t be scared
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*