me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
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Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Sponch
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself