“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.